That Seat Is So Taken

[Green Man]

By JULI WEINER
March 3, 2012

By spring, the Dutch airline KLM plans to allow all intercontinental passengers to choose their seatmates based on data uploaded from Facebook and other sites. Of course, the most desirable seatmate of all remains one’s own carry-on. To achieve this rarest of travel triumphs, simply create an indelible anti-social-networking presence. The Platonic ideal of an alienating Facebook profile — one that will keep potential seatmates far, far away — should look something like this:

Basic Information

Name: Juli Weiner.

Birthday: May 31, 1988.

Relationship status: It’s complicated.

Occupation: Perfume, cologne and bathroom-spray human test-subject (2007 to present).

Activities and Interests

Interests: Unpredictable and decontextualized screaming; stretching; trying to remember the lyrics to that Archies song; cracking my knuckles; licking my lips; humming; whistling; this game I made up that involves sticking my index finger in people’s mouths when they yawn and pulling it out before they bite down again.

Favorite quotations: “Is that noise normal?” “That weird guy keeps going up to use the bathroom but I didn’t even see him drink any soda or anything,” “The pilot looks so young” and “Sorry, do you mind moving your hand just a bit? I think you’re technically now touching my side of the armrest.”

Religious views: Interrogativist (highly spiritual new belief system that encourages practitioners to respond to every question with a question, so all boundaries between individual collections of knowledge will erode).

Political views: Staunch contrarian.

About Juli: I’ve had the hiccups for like six months.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/04/op...n.html?_r=1&hp

[Tired of Lies]

I would take that passenger over the 350 pound Samoan with the screaming kid on his lap I had to endure from San Diego to Anchorage a few years ago.

[dilligaf]

that could sooooooo backfire.. just think what the person who picked that profile to sit next to would be like..

some people enjoy confronting the absurd..

[Windy Ridge]

I would LOVE to sit behind two Interrogativist/Staunch Contrarians on a long flight and eavesdrop shamelessly.

Windy Ridge

[Green Man]

The only thing worse than having to sit next to a complete stranger for many hours is having to sit next to a complete stranger who's very interested in you.

Unless he's also very large.

Personally, I'd prefer large and uninterested over thin and very interested.

Large and screaming baby is off the sale completely. Those who have suffered this have my deepest sympathy.