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Thread: Not sure how much longer I have to live

  1. #21
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    Salvation comes when we lay everything at the feet of Jesus and totally rely on Him to save us. Maybe that's why all this is happening to you. You have to let everything go and turn your eyes to Him, trusting in a loving God to provide for you. That's saving faith. If you hold anything back from Him -- anything, any ambitions, any fears, any personal desires -- that you can't let go of, then that is an idol to you. When you put everything at His feet, even your health, life and death, your family....everything, that means that you give Him permission to destroy anything that is not of Him.

    If you can give everything over into the Lord's hands and trust Him with it, He will lift you up. If you feel you lack the ability to do that, ask Him even for that -- to give you the ability to do it. He will.

    My husband and I spent two days and nights living in our car in 2013. Basically, we were homeless for a brief period. You can do that, if you have to. We are starting into spring and summer, so at least you won't be likely to freeze to death. All the large cities have soup kitchens and United Way food banks. If you go to the nearest thrift store and ask, they will point you in the right direction.

    Trust God. He is faithful. He will give His salvation to those who sincerely seek it.

    God said, "You will seek me, and you will find me, when you search for me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13) That's a promise, from God.
    Last edited by grower; 03-11-2017 at 02:34 PM. Reason: typo

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sherree View Post
    The last time I checked, Washer teaches predestination. I think that's what's confusing abvp about his sermons.

    I also want to add this....

    CaryC and I have a good friend who is a born again believer. He started listening to Paul Washer sermons. After a period of time, he got so confused about his salvation that it led him down a dark road of deep despair. He finally got to a point in his confusion where he rented a hotel room, took a gun, went there with the sole purpose of committing suicide. It was only God's intervening hand that he wasn't able to go through with it. He started going to counseling, at the advice of another friend, and it took a long time for him to begin to trust God again with his salvation. Today, he is nothing like he once was, and is now a teacher and preacher of God's true word. He isn't the first or only person who have had their faith in Christ's salvation shaken to it's core that we know of. That's why I do not recommend listening to Paul Washer's sermons.
    I agree with Paul Washer when he says that a lot of people who think they're saved aren't. I think he gets blamed for people struggling between surrender and sin because he pointed it out. He's just the messenger. People need to stop comforting people about their salvation, and let them question through and test it, because it might not be real and they might be questioning it for a very good reason.
    I'm not worried by his sermons because I am so different than I was before i was saved, so different than I was a year ago, even, that I know God is working in me. The things I pray for improvement on are the things in my life that have changed the most. I also know what I've given up every time God convicts me, and I know the changes wouldn't have happened if I had ignored Him.
    One step at a time, He's leading me gently toward what he wants me to be, every few steps He makes me drop something i was trying to bring with me. I don't want to drag my feet on the journey! These aren't changes I would have willingly made, if I were using my fleshly thoughts and desires, so I know it's Him.
    I said the sinner's prayer in church when I was young, and went on to do terrible things and even denied God. I really surrendered to Him a couple of decades ago, and I've been different ever since. I know that people think they're saved when the bird has snatched the seed from the air, (they didn't give up what God told them to give up) or the weeds have choked the ground (they still choose the world and worldly things or try to do everything themselves) or the seed fell on barren ground, where there was no faith, no belief, no intention, it was just an empty gesture, because I thought I was saved, and then my lifestyle and my choices proved me wrong. Thanks to God for giving me a second chance and letting me come to Him in gratitude and not grief!

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    Quote Originally Posted by tygerkittn
    I agree with Paul Washer when he says that a lot of people who think they're saved aren't. I think he gets blamed for people struggling between surrender and sin because he pointed it out. He's just the messenger. People need to stop comforting people about their salvation, and let them question through and test it, because it might not be real and they might be questioning it for a very good reason.
    I'm not worried by his sermons because I am so different than I was before i was saved, so different than I was a year ago, even, that I know God is working in me. The things I pray for improvement on are the things in my life that have changed the most. I also know what I've given up every time God convicts me, and I know the changes wouldn't have happened if I had ignored Him.
    One step at a time, He's leading me gently toward what he wants me to be, every few steps He makes me drop something i was trying to bring with me. I don't want to drag my feet on the journey! These aren't changes I would have willingly made, if I were using my fleshly thoughts and desires, so I know it's Him.
    I said the sinner's prayer in church when I was young, and went on to do terrible things and even denied God. I really surrendered to Him a couple of decades ago, and I've been different ever since. I know that people think they're saved when the bird has snatched the seed from the air, (they didn't give up what God told them to give up) or the weeds have choked the ground (they still choose the world and worldly things or try to do everything themselves) or the seed fell on barren ground, where there was no faith, no belief, no intention, it was just an empty gesture, because I thought I was saved, and then my lifestyle and my choices proved me wrong. Thanks to God for giving me a second chance and letting me come to Him in gratitude and not grief!
    tygerkittn, that's all well and great for you. It sounds like you have the right perspective of what true salvation is all about. That being, God's desire to conform his children into the image of Christ.

    On the other hand, Washer's sermons have caused a lot of confusion for abvp. She is convinced that God doesn't love her, and she can't become a born again believer, because she hasn't been chosen. Washer may not be outright saying that, but I have heard enough of his sermons to know that he comes across that way. That's why I said earlier that those who are rooted and grounded in the Word wouldn't have a problem with his sermons, but for those who are seeking salvation, he has a bad presentation that causes confusion. No one should give the false impression that salvation isn't for "whosoever will", but only for those God has chosen.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sherree View Post
    tygerkittn, that's all well and great for you. It sounds like you have the right perspective of what true salvation is all about. That being, God's desire to conform his children into the image of Christ.

    On the other hand, Washer's sermons have caused a lot of confusion for abvp. She is convinced that God doesn't love her, and she can't become a born again believer, because she hasn't been chosen. Washer may not be outright saying that, but I have heard enough of his sermons to know that he comes across that way. That's why I said earlier that those who are rooted and grounded in the Word wouldn't have a problem with his sermons, but for those who are seeking salvation, he has a bad presentation that causes confusion. No one should give the false impression that salvation isn't for "whosoever will", but only for those God has chosen.
    I think it's as simple as, if you seek Him you will find Him. If you're seeking Him, then you must be chosen, otherwise you wouldn't be seeking Him. If you're not chosen, you won't even try to find Him and the question of whether or not you're chosen will never cross your mind. IMO.

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    The Bible says "the truth will set you free". In all the posts above are many nuggets of truth. Please read each one carefully and consider what is being said. God has not given up on you, Your salvation lies in your heart and mouth as Bro Guest has already posted. I am and will pray for you to know the truth.

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    I have tried to move away but kept having problems.

    I can never overcome the reputation my family and the authorities left me with. My family went to the authorities, after they learned I was finally going to break away from them and their abuse, and told them that I tried to gun down my daughter, that I was a hoarder (I had stopped letting them take from the preps/they didn't complain about it when they got free stuff off me), and that I suffered from delusions (my former religious beliefs). The authorities swooped in and raided me without a warrant. There was not enough evidence to pursue criminal charges, but the same DA that handles criminal cases went and pursued civil/CPS case. The case worker had wrote up before the raid and before anyone had even spoken to me that I had "admitted" to all of that stuff.

    This spread around the community very quickly thanks to gossip and social media. I instantly became the monster that tried to gun my daughter down and, because the DA refused to file criminal charges, 'got away with it.'

    My daughter had initially went along with it because she had been convinced by my family (I learned years later my mother had been in on it and drove them to the CPS office that morning and was telling them what I was planning while pretending to be supportive to me) that if she did then she'd be able to live with one of her friends and not have to follow any of my rules ever again. The day she was taken she had a list of names, addresses, and phone numbers to all of her friends and immediately handed it to the case worker and asked to be placed with one of them. The case worker told her that it wasn't done that way and she was put in a foster home where she had to do a lot more chores than I had her do. She even had to work on a farm. After a couple months of that, she recanted and was telling people I had been falsely accused, but the damage had been done. The authorities over me had already stipulated me without my consent to the civil/CPS charges by appointing a lawyer to me that they knew would plead me guilty no matter what I said about it. They raided me without a warrant, bore false witness against me, and smeared my name throughout the community. Then, over the course of a year and nine months, proceeded to add to the lies as they went along.

    The cops also randomly raided my home without a warrant searching my place during that time, at least two times a month. After I stopped opening the door for them, the one that was knocking around 6am tried to kick the door in but failed. He left his boot print on the door and I showed it to the landlady. The landlady called them to find out what was going on and they lied to her saying that they'd never been to my place. The neighbors verified my version and said the cops had been talking to them about my comings and goings. After that, the cops still kept driving by my place. I'd come home to find my place had been searched again while I wasn't there many times.

    Backing up a tad though, after the authorities denied me a trial and put into the record that I stipulated when I didn't, they gave my rapist, my daughter's bio-father, my home address right in front of me and put in the record that I wasn't allowed to have a gun. I objected, and the judge said I couldn't object because I had stipulated and that she didn't care about my constitutional rights. They already indicated from the day they took my daughter that they were going to give her to my rapist, but they had to officially put in the papers that they'd try to reunify for a certain length of time to satisfy some guidelines, but reunification was never their goal. And I did everything demanded of me except to take "personal responsibility" for things that I not only never did, but things that never happened in the first place. They kept saying to anyone who asked about my case that I was just in "denial" and then the person would immediately believe them and I'd get dirty looks and they'd disappear. Not one single person ever tried to help me this whole time they have destroyed me.

    Then, the final day of the case, the case worker handed me a copy of this final report she was submitting. The bulk of it was a porn story she wrote that claimed I told her I did to my daughter. I couldn't even read it all it was so vulgar. And when I looked at her she had this glowing smile of glee at my reaction. That report was submitted the final day. My daughter had already been living with my rapist since towards the beginning of the year.

    They had terminated all visitation December 2011 after I had completed the case plan. They lied in court and said she was failing school because of visitation with me when she really was on the honor roll because I was helping her with her school work during visitation. She had been failing before visitation because the foster mom wouldn't take her to school functions required for her class grade so I went to her teachers and told them what was going on and they said it wasn't right and gave her extra credit assignments she could do when she had visitation with me to get her grades back up. Prior to her being taken from me she had been an honor roll student. I kept after her all the time to do her work.

    I never prayed again after God's response to my final prayers. What did I pray for in those prayers? I prayed in Jesus name for a job. I did get some jobs which never lasted long. I ended up losing those jobs due to my health problems. When I expressed my concerns I was told things like, "why would God give you a job?" "you are not entitled to a job" "you have an entitlement mentality. Why would anyone give you a job?" "You fell for the prosperity doctrine." "You are trying to use God as an ATM machine." A church even told me that Satan had opened the door for that last job I had. So, after being chastised by God's real children, I learned my lesson and never prayed for a job again. I repented of that sin. But had I been chosen I couldn't have fallen for that false doctrine in the first place.

    I haven't been offered a job since 2009 anyway. But no employer was willing to put up with someone who had to use the restroom constantly and kept wetting my pants due to not being able to control bladder. And those diapers kept bulging up from my sweat, so they'd leak all over my clothes since they were already full of sweat. Then the employer didn't want to let me change my clothes, but complained because I smelled of piss. I've been having to wear diapers since I was a teenager because this is how I'm made. My condition became worse few years ago after a surgery made me have even less control over my bladder than I did before. So, I basically spend much of the day pissing all over myself. And I'm supposed to be able to hold down a job? Who is going to hire someone that has to pee most of the time? Where is the common sense? But I repented of my sin of praying for a job and will never do that again.

    I prayed in Jesus name for help with my relationship with my daughter sometime around that last prayer. Then I was raided and shall never have a relationship with my daughter. The authorities He established gave her to the man who tortured me to raise. It is obvious then that I was never meant to have her to raise. I had been urged to get an abortion when I was pregnant with her. I refused and had her. Then the family urged me to give her up for adoption or give her to her father. So, everyone had been against my being a mother from day one. And I kept being told while I was raising her that she needed to be in a black home. I'd have random people, even blacks, come up to me telling me she needed to be in a black home. Not one single person was ever supportive of my being a parent. Ironic enough, the fact that I hadn't aborted her was one of the things used to prove I was too dangerous to return her to my home. "Only a seriously mentally ill woman would give birth to her rapist's child." No one ever one time doubted she had been conceived in rape. But they all wanted her to go to my rapist so that she could be raised in a black home. So the authorities over me to declared me mentally ill for having believed in Him and for having not had my daughter killed before she was born, along with having preps and guns.

    My family has been abusive to me my whole life. When I was a child my pets would even be killed, and they would tell people that I killed my pets. No one would believe me. I'd become attached to the pet and when it was known I cared about the pet then it was destroyed. I came home from school one day to find my hamster had been moved right next to the wood stove and it was dying. He had cooked to death. He had been in my bedroom. They went around telling people I did it. As an adult my father took my asthma inhaler from me during an attack and told me that life was hard and suck it up and if I didn't like it to take a gun, put it in my mouth and pull the trigger. That's a small sampling of the abuse I've been made to take. Some of the more serious abuse, which was most of it, was so bad that my memory is literally blacked out from it. I'll like remember something leading up to it and then what happened would be blacked out from my memory. I have chronic PTSD. My former Christian friends kept quoting scripture about forgiveness telling me to forgive and pray. And that was leading up to the raid where I lost my daughter. My family was telling my daughter stuff like I didn't love her, told her how she'd been conceived (I was never going to tell her) and that I didn't ever want her, told her I was crazy and would snap one day and kill her. They started telling her stuff like that when she was around 7/8 years old. I didn't know what was going on until years later. She just started withdrawing from me. Then one time when she was around 9/10 she snapped at me and told me her uncle/my brother had told her I was crazy and that she need not listen to me. I confronted him and he denied it and said he'd have a talk with her about it. That was the first real red flag I saw, but people kept saying I was "overreacting" and "why would your brother have done that" and the verses about forgiveness and telling me to pray about it. My concerns were always invalidated and I kept being told to forgive and/or pray. Then, after I finally had enough and my relationship with my daughter was pretty much ruined already, I decided to sell off all my stuff and move away with my daughter from my family and try to salvage something if I could. I got tired of waiting for God to fix it. And I got tired of forgiveness. Forgiveness turns you into a victim. Then, after I finally got the guts to separate from my family, despite my now former friends telling me not to do it, my family found out what I was up to and had me raided by the authorities. God had me punished even more.

    After I was raided and destroyed, every single one of my friends jumped on the false accuser bandwagon or abandoned me. I hate every last one of them.

    The preppers scolded me for having too many preps instead of defending me, even though I had no where near all the stuff they bragged about. They had gone on before about how there was no excuse not to prep. I listened to them and prepped with about a year's worth of food (which was looted by my family after the raid). Then they condemned me for listening to them. They had gone on for years about government corruption and how the preppers needed to stick together and how the government would raid people's homes one day because they were prepping. I was raided and they instantly took the government's side. All of my preps had been neatly in cabinets, closets, or stacked in boxes. It was how the government didn't get my guns how neat they were. The guns and ammo were in a box labeled spinach beneath lots of boxes labeled corn. After they opened several boxes of corn and got tired of seeing cans of vegetables they never went further in the search. My family ended up stealing a bunch of my ammo later. But even with all the times the cops searched my home, they never found my guns.

    If I didn't have so many health problems I would've moved out of the state years ago and started over already. I have four different doctors I see. One is the primary and then three specialists. I'm on something like 14 or 15 different medications, some cause drowsiness. When I'm not having accidents I've got other problems going on. I can't even apply for jobs anyway, because you need three personal references and people believe I am a child abusing monster. What kind of reference would that be? People believe I tried to murder my child. People believe I sexually abused my daughter. And they believe I got away with it. For the first couple years the public harassment was worse. I've been spit on. I'd be recognized in a store and thrown out. I was recognized at Applebees and they peed in my soup. I've been threatened. At the least when I went out I'd get stares. Sometimes the ones staring did something more, sometimes they didn't. I have been living in fear since the raid of even being in public.

    And the hate extends further than that. I've tried to help others like after a fire or something like that and after they realize it is me they refuse the help and/or lash out at me. So, I don't help others much because I know already I get attacked. I am a social pariah.

    No matter how much I've prayed for help I have never received it. Instead, it gets worse. It always gets worse. It's been that way since I was a child. Where is the evidence that everything would suddenly magically get even a smidge better when it never has before? I got burned out waiting for His help long time ago.

    The things I repeatedly prayed for over the years was for my family to love me, for help with my daughter, for help regarding my ex, a job, and salvation. My family has never loved me. My daughter is completely alienated from me. My ex won and had his rights run over me while I am biblically bound to him until one of us dies. My prayers for a job turned out to be me falling for false doctrine and I never could physically do a job. So, since all the others went that way, what evidence is there that the prayers for salvation worked? It's not logical. And Jesus said many are called; few are chosen. From what Jesus said a lot of believers are going to be told He didn't know them and not be saved either. So, applying logic with those scriptures it is clear that the promises are made to His real children and that they didn't apply to me since I was in fact terrorized for things that never even happened and they knew they were lying so it's not like it was just some kind of mistake. They willfully bore false witness against me. And while it was going on not one single person tried to help me and even the Christians insisted I was guilty. I even had one tell me the spirit told her I was guilty.

    Even more ironic though, back in 2014 the family had a falling out. They all contacted me telling me the other person's role in having my daughter taken trying to get my support in this blow out argument. I probably don't know everything, but I know a lot more than I did originally. And then other stuff I suspected were kind of confirmed. But the really ironic thing was that my father went around telling people that he had it done to me because I was teaching my daughter that there was no God and that he had to save her from me. See the irony? The authorities used my belief in God to declare me mentally ill while my father was telling people I didn't even believe there was a God.

    But there is no way I can recover. Even when I have briefly had a friendly conversation with someone who didn't know my reputation, someone ends up telling and the person either becomes an attacker or disappears. I've lived like this for over six years now. I guess I didn't have real friends to start out with though. I was their true friend and they were not. But at least before the raid and the smear campaign I wasn't having people randomly accost me in public.

    well, I am really sore from all this typing. I have a huge cyst in one wrist and arthritis in my hands and it is very painful typing so much.

  7. #27
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    abvp, I hear you, and wish I could sit down with you in person. There is so much about my own life that I could share with you. The internet isn't a place where you can receive the kind of counseling you need.

    Do you live in a small community? Is there a Salvation Army close by? If so, please reach out to them. They won't turn you away, and they may be able to counsel you or help you get the counsel you need. They will help you with your physical needs as well.

    I pray for your peace in Christ.

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    I would like to add my 2 cents worth also by relating a story I heard back in my youth days, by a radio personality by the name of Bro. Dave Gardner.

    It went something like this:

    A young man set out to gain knowledge from a leading guru in a distant land. After trekking up the mountains he came into the temple where the guru resided. The guru asked him what it

    was that he had need of. The young man replied, " I am here seeking knowledge", to which the guru directed him to a water tank at the back of the room. He had the young man bend

    down with his face near the water. He then took the young man's head and pushed it down into the water and held it there until the young man almost drowned. The guru let him up

    and asked the young man, " What did you want more than anything else in the world, when your head was under the water"? The young man, gasping, said "a breath of air".

    The guru then told him, "When you want knowledge as much as you wanted the breath of air, you will find it."

    Salvation is like that. You have to want it more than anything else in the 'world'. When you do, you will find it, or rather it will find you.

    Mark 12:30-31, "And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the

    second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these".

    Jesus is calling to "whosoever will".
    Psalms 13:6
    "I will sing unto the Lord,
    because he hath dealt bountifully with me".

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by PsalmSinger View Post
    I would like to add my 2 cents worth also by relating a story I heard back in my youth days, by a radio personality by the name of Bro. Dave Gardner.

    It went something like this:

    A young man set out to gain knowledge from a leading guru in a distant land. After trekking up the mountains he came into the temple where the guru resided. The guru asked him what it

    was that he had need of. The young man replied, " I am here seeking knowledge", to which the guru directed him to a water tank at the back of the room. He had the young man bend

    down with his face near the water. He then took the young man's head and pushed it down into the water and held it there until the young man almost drowned. The guru let him up

    and asked the young man, " What did you want more than anything else in the world, when your head was under the water"? The young man, gasping, said "a breath of air".

    The guru then told him, "When you want knowledge as much as you wanted the breath of air, you will find it."

    Salvation is like that. You have to want it more than anything else in the 'world'. When you do, you will find it, or rather it will find you.

    Mark 12:30-31, "And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the

    second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these".

    Jesus is calling to "whosoever will".

    I had been at that point in my life years ago. I was so delusional I'd walk around talking to God like He was there. I'm not that woman I used to be. I was so stupid I thought He really was there listening to me. Had I been chosen I wouldn't have received deception in response to prayer. Goes against scripture. Jesus talked about fathers not giving children snakes instead of fish. I prayed for a fish (much needed help) in desperation and received a snake (deception) instead. Therefore, I couldn't have been chosen. And after the promises made in Romans 13 turned out to either not be true or only apply to those really saved I cannot trust anything anymore. Since the authorities He placed over me were a terror to me and bore false witness against me in response to prayer begging for help I learned the hard way how God really felt about me and the fact that no one tried to help me no matter how much I begged for help told me that He was telling me through His minions that I wasn't worth saving. They had even said I was suffering from delusions because of my belief in God and the Bible. So, He established authorities over me to declare me crazy to have believed in Him in the first place. The Bible says He establishes ALL authorities. There is no exception to all.

    Paul Washer said that going to God just because you wanted to be loved isn't good enough. It is one of many things he said that made me know that not only was I never loved but that I had never been called and chosen to begin with. I used to pray and beg God to love me and it never happened. As I've been told many times, sometimes God's answer is no. I wanted God far more than He ever wanted me. Can't make someone want you back.

    Well, my internet was already cut off at the apt. Under the circumstances I figured I needed the money more than the cable company. It was cheaper than driving to the library everyday while I was going to have a home, but oh well. I can camp out in the parking lot after I'm out of the place and get the internet for free.

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sherree View Post
    abvp, I hear you, and wish I could sit down with you in person. There is so much about my own life that I could share with you. The internet isn't a place where you can receive the kind of counseling you need.

    Do you live in a small community? Is there a Salvation Army close by? If so, please reach out to them. They won't turn you away, and they may be able to counsel you or help you get the counsel you need. They will help you with your physical needs as well.

    I pray for your peace in Christ.
    There is a homeless shelter that recently opened. I'm not allowed to stay there unless I abandon my cats at a shelter so I'm keeping them with me in the truck. Not going to abandon them. They are very old and don't take to other people after what happened. They used to be more friendly, but government people of different occupations would randomly come search the place for over a year and it seems to have traumatized them worse than it did me. If I even leave them to get groceries they get anxious. They were my daughter's cats and they were very attached to her. But the woman there said I could come there and eat and do laundry. I just can't sleep there or they'll call the cops on me for having the cats outside.

    After the appeal is heard and I get deposits back I'm leaving the state so long as the truck doesn't die.

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