Use Facebook? Don't care for Facebook? Hate facebook? The article below is humor/satire. If you find it uninteresting; stop reading. If you're offended, stop reading.

Welcome to Zucktown!

By Max Cohn

Hello, and welcome to Zucktown! I’ll be your tour guide this afternoon. My name is James Nichols, but you can call me by my Facebook name, James Robert, which is just my first and middle names. I thought this would hide my profile from college-admissions people and potential employers. It didn’t! And I guess I just never got around to changing it back. Anyways!


Living Accommodations
Here in Zucktown, we like to give our users choices. But not when it comes to housing. We believe in an egalitarian model where everyone has the same seven-hundred-square-foot, one-bedroom apartment, regardless of family size. And please leave the interior design of your unit to us. You can relax knowing that Facebook uses a dynamic algorithm to accurately predict all of the furnishings and appliances you would’ve selected based on your online search history. You’re welcome!


Shops
Imagine online shopping, but I.R.L.—all of your favorite brands and designers housed within fully interactive brick-and-mortar establishments. Using facial-recognition technology and electronically tagged merchandise, you can just walk right out of the store with your purchases and we will automatically charge your Facebook account. And that cute top or pair of chinos you tried on but left in the dressing room? We will attach them to a drone and have it stalk you until you buy them!


Gentrification
Is NOT a problem here. I’ll share an article to your wall from an illegitimate news source that explains why I’m right!


Hall of A.I. Conservative Uncles
We have allocated $3.2 billion to create a militia of bionic, Facebook-savy uncles. They are permanently logged onto the network, sending unwanted friend requests, initiating chats on Messenger at weird hours, and commenting gratuitously on your profile photos and shared links. Come visit them in person! They get really lonely.


Privacy
Yes, about that elephant in the room: we might have accidentally allowed a shady third-party organization to access, like, all of your personal data—which may or may not have influenced the results of the 2016 election. Whoops! As a consolation, we are giving away free Post-it tabs to all Zucktown residents, which you can use to cover up the cameras we installed in your apartments. We don’t really have a workaround for the microphones, though. If you don’t want us to hear something, maybe just whisper it super softly?


Ads
Please disregard the electronic billboards in Russian. We are working to translate the Russian into English so that the propaganda will make sense to you guys. And if you’d like to advertise with us here in Zucktown, we still accept rubles and bitcoin despite rumors to the contrary! But you didn’t hear that from me.


Birthdays
All Zucktownians will have their birthdays announced via the town’s loudspeaker at six in the morning, day of. Due to a programming glitch we’re still investigating, only insignificant friends—like Mike from that weird teen tour you did, Tracy from middle school, and your old boss Anita—will hear this reminder and wish you a happy one.


Open Borders
We welcome all immigrants, independent contractors, and dreamers. The only wall we believe in is a Facebook wall, which is still a thing that only exists virtually, I’m pretty sure.


Hospitals
Are reserved exclusively for sick drones.


Private Events
If you mark yourself as “Going” to any private event in Zucktown and then decide, inevitably, to not go, you will be fined a thousand U.S. dollars. Just kidding! We enact no punitive measures for misleading and bailing on the host of a private event. And R.S.V.P.s still work exactly as you’d expect: “Going” means maybe, “Maybe” means no, and “Can’t go” means you’re a piece-of-shit friend. Like, at least select “Going” and then apologize profusely in a comment expressing how sad you are to miss it, you asshole.


Museum of Content
Art is dead and has been replaced by the content that YOU all upload to Facebook every day! Come check it out at our Museum of Content. I highly recommend our permanent installation of “Tagged Photos from 2012 You Can’t Untag” and “Suspiciously Curated ‘Memories’ You’d Rather Forget.” And don’t miss our most recent exhibition, featuring that photo album your ex-girlfriend just uploaded of her trip to Portugal with her new boyfriend, Paolo.


Poking
You can just do that in person here.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/dail...me-to-zucktown.

Congrats! If you made it this far inspire of being bored you're strong. If you made it this far in spite of being offended, you're not a snowflake.